Victoria Jeffries
A recent BBC documentary highlighted how individuals and organizations advertising themselves online promising to provide life-changing techniques were in fact exploiting vulnerable people searching for help.
One woman reported being told she would be “cured” within a week, as well as being asked that her sessions be filmed so that they could be used in the practitioner’s Instagram profile. Another told how, after seeing help advertised online, things started well but within a few telephone sessions the practitioner sounded disinterested and could even be heard walking down the street during a call.
Two of those interviewed cited an impressive Instagram account as being the main reason why they felt they could trust and believe in what they were being sold. The documentary reflected how easy it is for would-be clients to be lulled into a false sense of security through social media. A large following depicts success. If an individual offering help has thousands of followers, they must be legitimate…right?
You too can have this life
As a therapist, while I was angered at the documentary, I wasn’t entirely surprised. Instagram influencers and “experts” fill our news feeds like an attack on the senses. Endless posts depict the envious existences of perfect-looking lifestyles.
“It seems like the coach is saying be more like me and less like you.”
One account I recently came across showed a gleaming life coach jumping towards the sky with a promising caption “I can help you reach for your dreams!” While another L.A based coach can be seen on Instagram, galloping on a horse in the sunshine, hair blowing in the wind, exclaiming “I can direct you towards the life you always wanted!”
At best, these posts can make it seem like life is one big party you haven’t been invited to. At worst, it can induce a feeling of inferiority and an increased sense of self-doubt. It seems like the coach is saying be more like me and less like you.
While it may take one person weeks to learn confidence-building tools, it may take months or even years before they really feel it works for them.
Too good to be true?
The UK based individual advertising herself as a confidence coach asks “Are you ready to change your life?” and optimistically offers a “transformation” when clients purchase a 6-week package of coaching sessions.
This is concerning for two reasons. Firstly, a lack of confidence most likely stems from childhood experiences, or significant adult experiences, which may be painful. In order to work through this, gentle, respectful exploration is needed, or, what is called in therapy, a “safe and containing space”.
“It is impossible to give a time frame for something as abstract as confidence building.”
As coaches have not had therapeutic training, it is unlikely they would have the skill set to work through what may arise for the client emotionally.
Secondly, it is impossible to give a time frame for something as abstract as confidence building. While it may take one person weeks to learn confidence-building tools, it may take another month or even years before they really feel it works for them.
I can’t help but feel that if those buying the package do not feel “transformed” within the time scale they had been promised, they may be left with a feeling of failure, possibly causing a further dent in their confidence that they really didn’t need.
What most haven’t seemed to realise is, what works for one doesn’t necessarily work for all.
The denial of your experience
Many coaches also speak about their own experiences: “I used to compare myself to others, then I learnt how to change my way of thinking, I can teach you to do the same!”.
What most haven’t seemed to realise is, what works for one doesn’t necessarily work for all. Just because a coach once benefitted from a particular technique or tools, it does not mean it will work for someone else, with different life experiences and characteristics.
This also actually denies the client’s personal experience and fails to acknowledge their individuality.
When Coaching may work
However, there certainly is a place for coaching; just as coaches are needed to improve sports performances, career coaching appears to be a viable tool for those who may be considering a job change, for example, and may need guidance around what next steps to take.
Likewise, it may be a fantastic idea for someone struggling to keep a healthy lifestyle to consult a nutrition or wellness coach to help keep them on track. These are the kinds of areas where coaching can be absolutely helpful, as the targets and progress are measurable.
However, when it comes to more complex matters such as lack of confidence, the root causes most likely run more deeply than what a coach with no therapeutic training would be able to manage. Most people who lack confidence don’t need to be “transformed”. On the contrary, they need to be met as they are, having their feelings and experiences validated and recognised.
But maybe, in order to truly transform, we need to realise that the unobtainable ideals sold to us are not what we should be aspiring towards?
The possible answer?
In a world dominated by social media, with idealised images of others being thrust into our view on a daily basis, there is a strong temptation to look for others for answers as to who we should be.
“What if we aspire to be more like our own selves, and less like what we see on Instagram?”
But maybe the answer lies within ourselves. As Christmas approaches, many of us will be scrolling through social media, looking at others seemingly having the time of their lives.
No doubt you will come across coaches advertising their services, smiling next to an ornate Christmas tree or raising a glass with friends, promising that we too could be like them.
But maybe, in order to truly transform, we need to realise that the unobtainable ideals sold to us are not what we should be aspiring towards? What if, we, in fact, considered the idea that we are enough as we are? What if we aspire to be more like our own selves, and less like what we see on Instagram?You are enough as you are… and don’t let an Instagram coach tell you otherwise.
Featured image courtesy of Kaylee Garrett on Unsplash. Image license found here. No changes were made to the image.
Excellent article! So much truth!