Caragh Cooper

With countless engagement and wedding photos on Instagram, conversations about ‘that special day’, and being surrounded by friends who went to university to find a husband, marriage seems to be an inescapable subject for me.

Societal pressures

The pressure to get married started when I was young. In the early 2000 rom-coms that I grew up watching, the woman’s life did not seem to fall into place until she got married. This bred my childhood desire of being married at the age of 25, without ever giving a single thought to my career or where I would live.

“There is the presumption that if we don’t get married by a certain time, our relationship – and my life – would be a failure”

Since being in a relationship, I have been led to think about marriage a lot more, because it’s what our friends and family expect us to do, without really thinking about what we want. Despite only being together for a few years, I am constantly asked when we would like to get married. There is the presumption that if we don’t get married by a certain time, our relationship – and my life – would be a failure.

But now I’m not sure if I ever want to get married. Realistically, if I was to become engaged, it would be in the next five to seven years based on other stereotypical relationships in society. I’m just not sure it’s for me.

I love ‘love’ and every engagement announcement is wonderful news to me (I do want to go to your wedding, I promise). And I can have fun at your wedding, knowing it’s not mine.

Changing your surname

“My surname is an important part of me, and it would feel weird to change it”

Some parts of marriage, such as changing your surname, are traditions which I wouldn’t want to take part in. If I did get married, I would not be changing my surname, a name I like and have done a lot with – my boyfriend didn’t earn my degree. My surname is an important part of me, and it would feel weird to change it. People may suggest double-barrelling it, but both mine and my boyfriend’s surnames are quite long (they honestly don’t go together), and then both of us would have to do the dreaded admin.

If a married person decides to change their name, there are numerous people you have to tell about a private act. This includes, but is not limited to; government departments e.g. DVLA and HMRC, your bank, and your landlord or mortgage provider. Getting this all done probably takes longer than the wedding itself.

On the other hand, I could just get married and not change my surname. However, some would say that marriage is pointless if nothing changes, and it would also likely open up a can of worms in the form of an inquisition into why I didn’t love my husband – as well as me being addressed by the wrong name.

The unseen costs of marriage

I have quite bad anxiety and the thought of having a big, expensive wedding makes me feel sick. So does the thought of paying £60 ahead for a meal for a guest I don’t particularly like, but have been pushed into inviting by family.

“A holiday to the Dominican Republic costs £11,000 a week – I know where I would rather be spending my money”

Weddings are more expensive on the weekend, but sometimes this is the only way couples can have everyone they want attending, as people cannot or don’t want to take the day off work. The average cost of a wedding in 2022 was £18,400. A holiday to the Dominican Republic costs £1100 a week – I know where I would rather be spending my money.

A wedding day is also expensive for guests, considering transport, a new outfit and presents for the couple. The average Brit spends more than £7,500 on other people’s weddings. My family and friends don’t need another one to worry about.

On a lighter note, I also lose stuff constantly, as the amount of rings I’ve owned and have disappeared is crazy. I know you can get an engagement ring insured, but doing this for a piece of jewellery sounds insane to me. The average wedding rings costs a man on average between £1865 and £2100 – do people not realise there is an ongoing cost of living crisis? The thought of having that amount of money on my finger makes me feel ill. I also don’t particularly like rings, but I know if I was to get engaged and didn’t have a ring, my boyfriend would be getting a lot of questions. You just can’t win.

The choice is yours

“not all couples should feel pressured to follow the same path”

I do wonder if it is fair for me to shun marriage, after so many different types of couples have fought for the right to get married. However, this is a dangerous thought process. In a similar vein to the subject of why some people don’t want to have children, not all couples should feel pressured to follow the same path and get married.

I thought it would be best to ask my boyfriend about marriage. He said it was a sign of commitment, and I should be happy that someone who loves me so much wants to marry me.

I hope he realises divorce exists, although the idea of divorce does scare me. More non-married couples are more likely to split than married ones. Maybe it is a sign of commitment and my boyfriend is right, but he doesn’t need to know that.

Are there financial benefits to marriage?

I was willing to die on the hill of not getting married until Martin Lewis recommended tying the knot, and we’re all listening to him in 2023. Despite the previous costs outlined, there are numerous financial benefits to marriage. Therefore, it just makes logical sense to get married, especially as I’m doubtful that the government would change the law to allow cohabiting/long-term couples to get these benefits. This includes not paying inheritance tax, avoiding any issues that arise if someone in the couple dies without a will, as well as car insurance and home insurance coverage being cheaper for a couple.

Women on average earn less than men, so in heterosexual couples it may benefit women to be married as their money will go further than that of single women. I’m not saying it’s wrong to get married for financial reasons, but it’s not something to mention in my vows.

Maybe my boyfriend and I should just take a day off work, pay the £46 price for a court wedding and get a nice meal in our Sunday best. I wouldn’t be changing my surname and I may not be wearing a ring, but I would know I’d be married and that would be enough.

Perhaps this is what a 21st century wedding looks like – different for everyone, and that’s what means more.

READ NEXT:

Featured image courtesy of Edward Eyer via Pexels. Image license found here. No changes have been made to this image. 

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *