TW: discussion of eating disorders. This is my personal experience and does not reflect other individual’s experiences during this time.
The ironic idea that everyone’s lives seemed to be coming together right before lockdown is a popular sentiment at the moment, and of course a source of frustration. I too fall into this category. After years of struggling through recovery from an eating disorder and other mental health struggles, I finally felt on track.
“recovery has felt like a whole new system to navigate again.”
A few weeks before lockdown I wrote an article for my university newspaper called ‘Finding the joy in food’. In this article I expressed how much I wanted rediscover the love and excitement for food I had before my eating disorder. I felt optimistic and ready to tackle summer. Lockdown, of course, arrived and turned everything upside down.
Since then, recovery has felt like a whole new system to navigate again. Like many people, I had to rush straight home from university. Everything felt like it happened so quick. I was scared because the pull back to old habits and thought patterns felt strong. In my experience, my eating disorder thrives on feeling out of control and uncertain, so the sudden change worried me.
I had two paths: carry on with recovery and adapt or fall back into my previous life. In the early stages of my recovery, my incentive to keep going relied on setting long term goals. Each year the central goal was going to work at a summer camp in New York state; it gave me a strong sense of purpose. Outside of this, the ability to go out for meals, see friends and go to university all motivated me through difficult times. In lockdown all of these goals felt so far away.
In order to progress I had to change my view. I realised that finding recovery hard does not always indicate failure- would you believe, it actually means the opposite? Sometimes when recovery feels tough, perhaps even impossible, you are actually doing something right by challenging yourself with new situations and obstacles.
As I adapted to lockdown life, I recognised that although the routine I had at university felt safe and established, perhaps it was too rigid. The extreme discomfort I felt when it was ripped away was a warning sign that I needed to change it up. After I realised this, I started to see lockdown as a chance for me to step forward and embrace recovery by moving into new territory.
“I quickly realised that I needed to do what felt best for me, and that often won’t be the same as what is best for other people.”
One of the most difficult aspects I have found is the constant pressure for productivity, a topic which another article on our website discusses (here). More specifically, the constant flood of lockdown workout routines and diet culture content was really hard to handle. At first it felt like the only way to ‘do’ lockdown was by having a day full of workouts and ‘instagrammable’ food- I now know that is not the case. I quickly realised that I needed to do what felt best for me, and that often won’t be the same as what is best for other people.
Sometimes self care is a bath bomb and a face mask, other times it is changing my sheets and brushing my teeth – that is okay. Kindness and patience with myself is key right now. Moreover, allowing myself to accept help and kindness from family and friends is also so important at the moment.
I am extremely privileged to live with a supportive family, to have lovely friends I am able to call as well as a therapist I can Skype too. I am also so lucky to be safe at the moment during this crisis and to, therefore, be able to use this time and space to work on my recovery. I realise that a lot of people do not have the same support systems during this time to help them with recovery. I have put a few links and resources below that I hope will help.
I am determined to carry on recovering and learning ways to help myself; I hope other people who are struggling will join me. Keep being kind to yourself.
By Elle Woods-Marshall
Signposts/links to resources:
BEAT helplines: https://www.beateatingdisorders.org.uk/support-services/helplines
BEAT Coronavirus advice/links page: https://www.beateatingdisorders.org.uk/coronavirus
Check out:
Recovery From Within – a really inspiring, recovery-focused Instagram page which I recommend to follow.
‘Eating Disorder Recovery Podcast’ with Tabitha Farrar podcast (available here )- a podcast discussing all aspects of recovery with different professionals.
Featured image courtesy of Daiga Ellaby on Unsplash. This image has in no way been altered. Image license is available here.
Elle Woods-Marshall
I'm a second year Durham student studying English Lit and Politics. Outside of my studies, I am involved in the student newspaper and radio as well as volunteering. I love reading poetry, crying over rom coms and eating burgers.