A box of period pads and some pads on a pink background

CW: This article mentions mood swings, depression, and self-harm.

Poppy Lindsey

Nothing can compare to the wave of relief that washed over me upon hearing those words – “You have PMDD”. I wasn’t being dramatic, I wasn’t just experiencing PMS, and I didn’t have severe mental health issues.

Before my PMDD diagnosis in February 2021, I was convinced I should be tested for Borderline Personality Disorder or Bipolar Disorder because the lows were so low and came on so violently.

Most people who menstruate experience the exhaustion of premenstrual syndrome (PMS) and we all know it comes with a pandora’s box of symptoms. It’s not just mood swings and tiredness, it’s also sometimes physical changes, like bloating and headaches. 

Multiply these symptoms by ten –  and you get premenstrual dysphoric disorder (PMDD).

Woman stressed lying on a bed.

A person covering their face | Image courtesy of Anthony Tran via Unsplash

With PMDD, the mental and emotional symptoms of PMS are amplified, causing crippling anxiety, depression, or suicidal ideation. Your motivation plummets to an all-time low. The condition can be detrimental to a sufferer’s everyday life and mental well-being. Yet, despite its severity, we rarely talk about it.

“It’s like being in prison and getting sent to solitary confinement every two weeks.”

Symptoms of PMDD typically happen during the luteal phase of the menstrual cycle. This phase occurs between ovulation and the beginning of the period, typically lasting for a week or two, making the condition remarkably difficult to treat.

Someone experiencing PMDD displays similar signs to someone with acute clinical depression, but a prescription of antidepressants seems unreasonable for someone who has no symptoms for the rest of the month.

“I feel so alone amongst my four grey walls, ricocheting from rage to sadness, and then to exasperation with myself…”

Natasha Motyka, an expert on PMDD, said: “It’s like being in prison and getting sent to solitary confinement every two weeks. It’s dark, it’s lonely, and nobody understands why you’re there.”

For me, this description couldn’t be more accurate. I feel so alone amongst my four grey walls, ricocheting from rage to sadness, and then to exasperation with myself for feeling this way. These emotions swirl around in my grey cage until I am freed for a few weeks, and the colour returns to my life. 

MY LIFE BEFORE MY PMDD DIAGNOSIS

By the age of 19, I had already been experiencing anxiety and panic attacks since I was 13 years old. And at the age of 17, I became stuck in the cycle of self-harm. The temporary high from the release of worry and anguish would always turn into guilt and shame at my hidden habit, giving my tired mind yet another reason to harm myself. 

The pattern would go on and on in a flurry of long sleeves and secrecy. It’s always been difficult to pinpoint exactly why I started. 

My intense mood fluctuations were evident to everyone around me. For a few days each month, my mind would erupt into flames, and I had to lie in bed every day to extinguish them.

THE DAY MY WORLD CHANGED

I was sitting in my shabby uni house in the middle of yet another Covid lockdown when I first heard of PMDD. As a regular listener of Radio 4’s Women’s Hour, I heard a guest detailing their experience of the condition.

I diligently listened back to the interview multiple times. This was the validation that I had been craving for so long. As I scrolled through my camera roll and calendar, I realised I was experiencing these severe ‘depressive episodes’ in the exact same weeks of each month, every month. My moods and behaviours were suddenly easy to explain and I booked a doctor’s appointment immediately.

“It was a bittersweet moment to hear my immediate diagnosis”

Armed with a timeline of my symptoms, I answered the phone for my appointment, ready to fight with any belligerent old male doctor who threw misogynistic microaggressions my way. 

Although I was convinced I had PMDD, it was a bittersweet moment to hear my immediate diagnosis. I knew my world had changed, but at least the weight of it was off my shoulders. 

Contraceptive Pill

Contraceptive pill | Image courtesy of Reproductive Health Supplies Coalition via Unsplash

Antidepressants and the contraceptive pill are among the very few treatment options available to me. But I was so relieved to finally know what was ‘wrong’ with me, it outweighed the disappointment of there being no real solution.

Fast-forward to May 2023, and I am managing my PMDD by taking each month as it comes. Alongside my anti-anxiety medication, I take herbal supplements every day, which are aimed at balancing my hormones during the PMDD period. I also use a dedicated diary, by Natasha Motyka, which has changed the game for me in terms of tracking my symptoms and triggers. 

We need to stop blaming ourselves

My experience might seem like a pretty smooth journey from symptom to diagnosis. However, the stigma around PMS and related conditions made my diagnosis difficult to come to terms with. 

“Sufferers of PMDD need to stop blaming themselves for being ‘sensitive'”

Sufferers of PMDD need to stop blaming themselves for being ‘sensitive’. We need to let go of the thought that we are ‘overreacting’. We need to forget the narrative that we aren’t as strong as other people who experience PMS. Everyone is different and so are their periods. We need to unlearn this thought process and realise our power and validity despite our condition.

The sexism around premenstrual symptoms still plagues society to the present. Men – and even some women – make remarks about periods or PMS at the faintest sign of a woman showing any indication of irritation or hostility.

Research by Action Aid revealed that 26% of UK women have faced ‘period shaming’ often related to PMS symptoms. This stigma heightens the symptoms related to hormonal conditions, such as PMDD – it simply has to come to an end.

Together, we must break the stigma, by talking openly and honestly about periods, hormones, and how they affect us.

If you think you may be suffering from PMDD, get in contact with your GP and break the cycle. You deserve help.

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Featured image courtesy of Natracare via Unsplash. Image license found here. No changes have been made to this image. 

Poppy graduated from the University of Reading in June 2022, with a degree in Philosophy and Politics. She currently works as Welfare Officer at Reading Students Union, and is starting formal journalism training in September 2023 at News Associates. She has a keen interest in human rights, social action, and the intersectional feminist movement.

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