It feels as though there’s relatively little left to figure out about ourselves in 2020: the year of introspective self-reflection.
The withdrawal from our standard social routines has given us more time to focus on ourselves and our individualities. By this point, I’m not sure I actually want to discover any other quirks or suppressed pet-peeves.
Needless to say, I have found out a lot about myself during this time. There were things I already knew about myself. For example: I will always eat out of boredom. Despite not knowing the last time I was genuinely hungry, I seemed surprised at this revelation.
Picture the scene from ‘The Simpsons’ where Homer is passively fed a never ending supply of donuts.
I mean he was in Hell, yes. But to an extent so was I.
My fixation on food grew as a need for control and a regular routine. My revelation pushed me toward a new discovery. I needed to maintain consistency within other areas of my life.
Confidence.
The feeling of losing my confidence on a day-to-day basis began to worry me and simultaneously fill me with dread.
As a young and heavily eye-linered teenager (weren’t we all?), I’d often enjoy flaunting my self-proclaimed title of an ‘Introverted-Extrovert’ to my friends and family. I generously absorbed these people into my dramatically ‘Wuthering Heights’ type attitude toward non-reciprocal boys. Vying for unrequited love, I’d often deflate at the discovery that my infatuations in fact, had little to no idea who I was.
Remaining unfalteringly positive in regards to claiming my title as Mrs. Nick Jonas, I was wildly aware of my difficulty in talking to anyone I wasn’t remotely chummy with. As a result, I realised the potential problems this could cause with my superstar fiancé-to-be.
Those who boldly welcomed these aspects of my personality made it easier for me to express the loud and unapologetically dry humour I was constantly suppressing. I was liberated in-part by the shared confidence and bond between myself and my friends. However, I’d always desired for others to see the reality of my personality.
Roles.
Oh, to be as magnetically gregarious as my twin sister.
I looked toward my twin as the source of charisma and boldness within our family dynamic. I felt the need to conform to the ‘shy’ twin role because I’d plastered it onto myself. For a while I’d willingly accepted this fate. In 2014, I attended some counselling sessions and realised that I was also allowed a space in this room to shine.
Having claimed I could recharge solely on my own, I’d never given anybody the opportunity to become a source of my energy. I’d never felt brave enough to speak amongst the onslaught of overshadowing voices and bouncing energies around me. Surrounded, I slotted my edges neatly into any corners of any room I could find.
I’d never considered the option of actually becoming one of those energies.
Finding My Voice
After pursuing amateur dramatics for a while and refusing teenagers’ cigarettes at a Tesco Express, I’d finally had enough of the sweaty panic of not using my voice. I despised asking customers for ID whilst they bellowed annoyance at being thirty-five and refused a four pack of cans. Scared and watching the somewhat weathered lines of their foreheads contort, I was grateful for my new-found voice. Even if it was via proxy of a Shop Assistant’s title. I decided to continue with retail work, hoping that repeatedly forced conversation would snag the confidence from within me.
It did.
Once I began envisaging confidence as a process, I could utilise it to my advantage.
Reframing the way I saw confidence as an ongoing development stopped me from putting pressure on myself. Therefore, I was able to stop grasping for something I felt I wasn’t born with. Certain people are born self-assured and unfaltering; others need time to nurture confidence.
Repetition.
Before pursuing my postgraduate degree last September, I decided to jump into the situation the way I’d always dreamed. Having spent the year in another retail job chatting to customers about the seemingly unlimited functions of a foldaway bag, I was finally able to engage in conversations without fear of opposing opinions. I’d finally lost the part of my brain that told me to care about what people thought because I was getting paid to be confident.
The regularity of engaging with strangers energised me through my own actions of fearlessness and proactivity, as well as giving me time to focus on the personality I wished to portray. Beginning my degree in York, I knew I’d be interacting with a lot of people. I began preparing the best version of myself to present. My regular interactions at work removed the fear of walking into a room and now encouraged me to take ownership of it.
I wasn’t afraid to be the loudest voice in the room anymore.
Opportunity.
Unfortunately, this year has been undoubtedly hard on my confidence because we’ve stopped interacting and meeting new people.
Before all the drama of this year, my postgraduate playwriting lecturer told me that the imagination was like a muscle. The more we begin to use it and strengthen it, the better it gets.
This is also the case with confidence.
This year, the less opportunities I had to exhibit confidence the more work I need to do to reinstate it.
My attitude toward confidence is pretty much like my attitude towards the gym. For me, the first session at the gym is scary, difficult, and unexpected. I’ve often felt nervous of my appearance, technique, and ability. However, the ease of going to the gym grows when I move into the pattern of going regularly.
Having a break from the gym worries me, fearing the loss of the progress I’ve spent time building. Sometimes, it’s difficult to find the momentum to go back. That’s exactly how my confidence feels this year.
If you feel that you’ve lost confidence this year you’re not alone.
Exercise.
I’ve not been exercising my confidence, so the thought of conversational interactions has become more daunting. A sentence I never thought I’d be saying again. To combat this, I want to treat confidence like exercise. The good thing about exercise is that you start small and move up toward your goals. There’s no point in assuming you can just wake up and run a marathon. Especially not when you’re three glasses of Sauvignon deep at 11pm on a Thursday night. You could try, but you’re more likely to burn out or injure yourself.
It’s all about starting small and building your progress.
Starting Small.
If you feel that you’ve lost confidence this year you’re not alone. I find the best thing to do to ease me back into feeling confident is to give one hundred percent of your energy to ritualised greetings. Saying hello to passers-by and dog walkers is a way to shift those confidence cobwebs.
It’s easy to do the quintessentially British “you alright?” nod of acknowledgement. Easier also to mouth the word hello with no vibration of the vocal chords present. Try putting one hundred percent of effort into greeting (at a distance) someone you’re most likely never going to see again. This will ease you back onto the stepping stones toward confidence.
Most importantly, take time for yourself and recharge in the ways you enjoy. If you recharge alone, stick a face-mask on (not that kind of face-mask) and relax. If you recharge with others, simply call them and arrange a socially distanced meet-up.
We are not all born confident, but we can all become confident.
Sophie Wilson
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Featured image courtesy of @srz via Unsplash. Image license found here. No changes were made to this image.