Coping With Grief as a Student

Lauren Bryant

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I’m sure, for a lot of people, their experience of university life hasn’t been what they had hoped or imagined, especially because of the pandemic. Returning to university is already a daunting time for a lot of students. But for those dealing with grief it can also feel extremely lonely, and many may struggle to cope.

Since the first lockdown began on the 24^th March 2020, the day of my 19^th birthday, I’d felt an underlying sense of anxiety surrounding the well-being of my family, particularly my nan and grandad. My worst fears came true at Christmas time; they both contracted the virus. For the next three months, I saw my grandad slowly recover, thankfully, but the same could not be said for my nan. In the early hours of my 20^th birthday she sadly passed away.

“I felt as though we were on the journey together.”

.I can’t speak for everyone, but for me, the loss of a loved one is indescribable. At first, I was most definitely in shock. Having not seen my grandparents properly for months and months, unable to hug them or pop in and say hello, lockdown had meant that not seeing them no longer felt strange. Now, however, as life has begun to return to a new version of normality, her absence is beginning to settle in.

I was extremely close to my nan, and returning for my final year without her is a very daunting prospect. For the first eleven years of my life, I spent every morning and afternoon with her during term time. We bonded over music and sport, and she never missed any of my football games. She was so invested in my university experience, and I felt as though we were on the journey together. I’ll miss our weekly calls, updating her on my new modules and final grades and how she’d always joke about coming to live with me in Nottingham.

Support at University

Writing this article, I wanted to be open about my ongoing experience with grief. Despite filing for an extenuating circumstance and extra time in my exams, no one at my university reached out to offer support. I even had to provide a death certificate for my nan, and although I understood why, the process still felt clinical and cold. There’s no doubt that universities have been overwhelmed by a surge in applications for ECs, especially in unprecedented times like these. But it soon became clear that it’s the student’s sole responsibility to take the first step in seeking out pastoral care.

“I don’t want to act like there is a formulaic approach to ‘managing’ grief.”

When my exams came at the end of May, I suppressed my emotions and locked them away as a coping mechanism. I’ve always been obsessive over my work, but this was different. In hindsight, I prevented myself from fully embracing how I was feeling, and only now am I beginning to process my thoughts. I don’t want to act like there is a formulaic approach to “managing” grief. It is a very confusing time for most, and is not always a straightforward journey. However, I wanted to share what’s currently helping me.

Advice on Handling the Loss of a Loved One

Talk About It

Whether it be to family, friends, or a counsellor, having an outlet allows you to express how you’re feeling and enables a healthy release of emotion. Remember, you are not alone.

Journaling

Write down how you feel: If you aren’t ready to voice your emotions, identifying them on a page can also be useful. This could take the form of journaling, or a gratitude diary.

Self-care

Do things that make you happy: Even something as simple as binge-watching TV shows can take your mind off things and help you to de-stress. Although it’s cliché, exercising or getting outside in the fresh air is great for your mental health.

Set aside quiet time for yourself: Having alone time isn’t always a bad thing. Finding peace within yourself can help you grow as a person.

Remembering Your Loved One

Looking at old photos or thinking about your favourite memories with that special person reminds you of the happiness they brought to your life. For me, music is a big thing in my family, and listening to some of my nan’s favourite songs helps me feel connected to her.

Allowing Yourself Space to Grieve

Crying is OK. Not crying is also OK: There is no right way to grieve, and everyone deals with it differently. Don’t let anyone tell you that you’re “doing it wrong”.

“There is no such thing as “moving on”, or gaining closure.”

In all honesty, I should probably reread the list myself. As my return to university creeps up, I’ve felt panicked that I haven’t done enough over summer. But, as a society we are fixated on the idea that we aren’t doing enough, even during some of the toughest times in our lives. Be kind to yourself. There is no such thing as “moving on”, or gaining closure. Big milestones like birthdays and Christmases might be bittersweet, but it’s the celebration of life that keeps their memory alive. Whether you’re dealing with a bereavement, a relationship breakup, even the loss of a job, grief will never go away completely, but you will slowly learn to live with it.

Don’t be Afraid to Reach Out

I’ve realised that the pain of my nan’s death is a reflection of the love I had for her, and the love she had for me. Even though some may say that her passing away on my birthday was unfortunate or sad, I believe that she held out just long enough to say her last goodbye to me. Now, my birthday is also a celebration of her.

If you feel like you or someone you know might need immediate help with grief, some bereavement charities include Cruse Bereavement Care, Child Bereavement UK, Grief Encounter, and The Good Grief Trust. All have emergency hotlines that offer support, lending a listening ear if you just need someone to talk to. Also, don’t be afraid to reach out to your university’s support systems.

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Featured image courtesy of David Tomaseti on Unsplash . Image license found here. No changes were made to the image.