CW: This article is about domestic abuse, including physical violence.
Aastha Trivedi
Victims of domestic abuse face many challenges when trying to leave relationships. Despite this, they are time and time again confronted by the same question: “Why didn’t you just leave?”
Musician FKA Twigs was subjected to physical and emotional abuse by actor Shia LeBouef. Talking about her experiences, she responds to this very question: “I’m going to make a stance and say that I’m not going to answer that question anymore”. Instead of blaming the victim for not acting sooner, Twigs says the abuser is the one who should be questioned. Don’t ask: why didn’t you leave? Ask: why are you holding someone hostage?
Domestic Abuse Is About Control
Asking victims why they didn’t leave an abusive relationship is insensitive and completely unhelpful. It shifts the responsibility of protection onto the victims themselves. This neglects the importance of holding the abuser accountable. It also fails to address the wider social and economic structures that allow instances of domestic abuse to be dismissed.
According to Cassandra Weiner, a lecturer in Law at the University of London, victims of domestic violence are dominated by coercive control. Coercive control is a method of calculated manipulation.
“Trying to escape an abusive relationship can lead a victim to experience further abuse”
Abusers instil a sense of fear in their victims. This fear is amplified when the abuser is sexually or physically violent towards the victim. When threats invoke a sense of fear, a perpetrator’s demands become coercive.
Many assume that victims should be able to muster the courage to leave their abusive relationships. But evidence from the Refugee for Women and Children Against Domestic Abuse suggests it is often dangerous to leave. In fact, trying to escape an abusive relationship can lead a victim to experience further abuse, or in some cases, murder.
Why People Stay: Economic Factors
Domestic abuse is an economic crisis that is often overlooked. Many victims find themselves trapped in a cycle of abuse because they may be economically dependent on their abusive partner. Their partner may have found ways to isolate them from friends and family. This ensures they have no other financial means of support.
Approximately 95 per cent of reported abuse cases involve economic abuse.
Domestic abuse survivor Daisy explains her partner had convinced her to leave her job after the birth of their second child. As a result, her partner was completely in control of finances. The little money she owns leaves her in unstable position. She is unable to pay for somewhere to stay the night and pay for her own basic needs.
Many people experiencing homelessness are survivors of abuse. In fact, financial exploitation can leave survivors of abuse struggling to repay large sums of debt.
Why People Stay: Social Factors
Immigrants often find themselves staying in abusive relationships due to fears of deportation. They may also lack the language skills or paperwork necessary to be granted settler status. Immigrants may also face the challenges of not having access to state-financed accommodation or benefits.
According to Senedd’s Equality and Justice Committee, a unique approach is needed for immigrant victims of domestic abuse. Some are unaware of their rights or what constitutes as abusive behaviours.
“By virtue of being labelled an immigrant, victims of abuse are deprived of their right to safety”
Immigrant woman are often subject to a NRPF (no recourse to public funding) policy. They may lack access to state-provided accommodation and other welfare benefits as a domestic violence victims seeking refuge. By virtue of being labelled an immigrant, victims of abuse are deprived of their right to safety.
Frequently, domestic violence is a hidden ordeal faced by immigrants.
Why People Stay: Other Factors
Often, love plays a defying role in causing victims to remain in abusive relationships. In an anonymous tweet following the hashtag, one person stated: “I thought it was ‘love’. I thought it was my fault & I deserved it. I thought it was normal & I always justified his actions”.
Domestic abuse survivor Beverly Gooden began social media campaign #WhyIStayed to reduce societal tenancies to blame victims. She remained in her abusive marriage due to the sincere fact that she loved her husband and wanted to “protect” him. She stated: “I was thinking about him not myself, and I think that’s the story of a lot of people out there”.
Signs Of Domestic Abuse
It is widely assumed an abuser has to be physically violent towards the victim. However, this is not true. Abuse can be expressed in many forms. Victims are also often isolated from families and friends.
“Choosing to remain in an abusive relationship is a highly personal decision”
They may be deprived of the liberty to control their finances or basic needs. Coercion can also involve having a partner heavily control what you wear, when you sleep and who you spend your time with. It can involve being deprived of healthcare services or general welfare services.
Victims report constantly being degraded, threatened and humiliated by their abusers. Often, abusers stalk or heavily monitor their partners, both online and in-person.
Why Don’t Victims Just Leave?
Instead of placing the responsibility to leave on victims, we should be asking: why is their partner abusive? What changes can help to end the violence? How can we do to support victims?
Choosing to remain in an abusive relationship is a highly personal decision. Shame becomes a prison for many people who have dreamed of leaving abusive relationships. Many survivors feel judged by their communities for leaving their partner or like they have let down their families. Their feeling of shame is compounded by their desire for children to maintain relationships with their other parent.
As a society, we can empower victims by offering an ear of compassion and encouraging them to seek support.
Support is available if you are affected by issues raised in this article:
- Women’s Aid run a Live Chat service, along with other online services.
- The National Domestic Abuse Helpline is 0808 2000 247.
- The Men’s Advice Line for male domestic abuse survivors is 0808 801 0327.
- The National LGBT+ Domestic Abuse Helpline is 0800 999 5428.
- If you are in immediate danger, always call 999.
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Featured image courtesy of Mika Baumeister via Unsplash. No changes made to this image. Image license found here.
