Perfectionism Damages Women (And It Starts With Young Girls)

Bethany Brown

7 months ago

girl holding a lego house against a pink backdrop

Beth Brown

A recent study from the LEGO Group has revealed that 89 per cent of girls aged 5-12 years old feel like they need to be perfect. It also found a further 74 per cent of girls intentionally avoid tasks because they are afraid they won’t do them perfectly.

Reportedly, this fear stems from the encouragement boys receive from adults for “creative work,” despite three-quarters of girls wanting to pursue creative careers. Wider pressures of achieving perfection, as well as everyday vocabulary used in relation to their work, also contributes to this girls’ self-perception.

The strive for perfectionism continues into adulthood, with 72 per cent of women being perfectionists. But this modern phenomenon is damaging women, limiting their careers, and affecting their mental health.

What Is Perfectionism?

Perfectionism is characterised by a person’s concern with striving for flawlessness and perfection. This desire is accompanied by critical self-evaluations and concerns regarding others’ evaluations. People who aspire to be perfect often become concerned with achieving unattainable ideals or unrealistic goals. Data studies show perfectionistic tendencies are becoming more common than ever before.

During the 1990s, Dr Thomas Curran conducted research on perfectionism culture in the UK and the US. Curran deduced that most people experience “multidimensional perfectionism”. This means their obsession with perfectionism manifests in three key ways:

Socially Prescribed Perfectionism: Believing others expect them to be perfect.
Other-Oriented Perfectionism: Placing high expectations on other people.
Self-Oriented Perfectionism: Expecting perfection from oneself.

Other models of multidimensional perfectionism incorporate additional factors, such as high parental expectations and criticism. But neither model explains why women and girls are adversely affected by perfectionism. That’s because society, not science, has gendered the need to be perfect.

The Beauty Industry

One of the most obvious examples is the pressure for women to “look perfect” at all times. A UK study found 65 per cent of children and 45 per cent of adults thought there was an ‘ideal’ body type. In every 10 women, more than 6 of them feel negatively about their body image.

Beauty standards generate a vague silhouette of the “ideal woman”, which women feel pressured to look like. But this image continuously changes as body types, facial features, and even “insecurities” are commodified.

“Society influences how women should act”

The beauty industry’s perception of the perfect woman shifts so rapidly it becomes futile to try to attain it. In recent months, trends have shifted away from the BBL physique, a fuller figure with prominent curves, to a leaner body type, heavily influenced by the growing use of Ozempic in Hollywood. And this is just one example. Fox eyes, buccal fat removal, canthal tilt, visual weight — the list is endless. This trend cycle leaves women feeling the need to “perfect” themselves, without being able to keep track of what this “perfection” looks like.

fuck these beauty standards and high expectations from women, body hair is normal acne is normal pigmentation is normal stretch marks are normal and you do not have to feel insecure of yourself just to fit in the society.

— nek alfu (@alfiyastic) April 3, 2024

More Than Your Looks: Gendered Language

This pressure extends beyond physical appearance, as society influences how women should act. A key example of this is gendered language. Whether through advertising, in the workplace or how we speak to our children, there is an implicit expectation for women to conform.

Here are some examples of how gender impacts our vocabulary:

“You throw like a girl.”
“Man up!”
“Don’t be a sissy.”
“Come on and grow a pair.”
“Boys will be boys.”

Even compliments can be inherently gendered. LEGO’s study found girls were likely to be called “sweet”, “pretty”, “cute” and “beautiful”, while boys were “brave”, “cool”, “genius”, and “innovative”. This conditions girls on how they should behave from a young age, as well as making them feel inferior.

But What About Men?

It is important to note that this vocabulary also greatly impacts boys and men. They are conditioned to think that being vulnerable is a weakness and that being confident, unemotional, and “strong” is what is expected of them. This perfectionism greatly contributes to the crisis in men’s mental health.

“Women are continuously […] told to look a certain way, act a certain way, and be a certain way”

However, gendered language affects women differently. It is not as clean-cut as “do X and you are a real woman”. Women are expected to be meek, emotional, and delicate: to be more than that runs the risk of being deemed “masculine” or “hysterical”. Yet, to be meek, emotional, and delicate, is also painted as a bad thing!

Women are backed into a corner, even if they do model themselves after the “ideal woman”, they are still seen as lesser in some capacity. Essentially, the problem with perfection is that it is an illusion. Women are continuously subtly (or not so subtly) told to look a certain way, act a certain way, and be a certain way. But, even if a woman somehow manages all of that pressure (which is nearly impossible) she is still not enough.

Reduce The Pressure of Perfectionism

Seems pretty bleak, right? Well, fortunately, there are some ways we can challenge these pressures. To start, simply acknowledging and challenging the unattainable “ideal woman” is crucial. The 2023 Barbie movie did an excellent job at this, particularly in America Ferrera’s iconic monologue:

“[…] Like, we have to always be extraordinary, but somehow we’re always doing it wrong […]

You have to never get old, never be rude, never show off, never be selfish, never fall down, never fail, never show fear, never get out of line. It’s too hard! It’s too contradictory and nobody gives you a medal or says thank you! And it turns out in fact that not only are you doing everything wrong, but also everything is your fault”.

https://twitter.com/the_Jionni/status/1774927852913189127

Challenging the implicit biases against women removes some of their power. This can help us begin to recognise and subvert damaging behaviour, as well as diluting the pressure these biases put on women.

It can all seem a bit daunting, challenging something that has been engrained within us for so long. But, even small acts can have a large impact.

Uplift Our Children

Returning to the research by the LEGO Group, our childhood lays the foundation for how we see the world. So, making a conscious effort to support our children’s creativity, hobbies, and interests (even if they are not what you would “expect” from a girl/boy) is important for the next generation.

If a child is interested in something safe that makes them happy, that is the priority. If a parent finds themself being resistant to this, but cannot quite place why, it could be an unconscious bias. Acknowledge it and, more importantly, challenge it!

Uplift Women In The Workplace

The long-term impacts of biases in childhood are often overlooked. However, gendered language usually remains incredibly prominent, particularly in the workplace. For example, men are more likely to be deemed “assertive” whereas women are seen as “bossy”, contributing to the difficulty of finding women in leadership positions.

“To truly see yourself, beyond all the trends, fads, and expectations, is incredibly liberating”

Although this bias should be addressed by HR teams or employers, as individuals we can combat gendered bias by holding both our co-workers and ourselves accountable. Do not be afraid to have “awkward” conversations to change the narrative around women in the workplace. The Home Office has also created a campaign for men, encouraging them to step in and say something when other men are being sexist.

Additionally, if a female colleague highlights an issue, respect and listen to her feelings. Uplifting female voices is crucial in tackling the societal pressures women face.

Practice Self Love

This final act seems so simple, but is arguably the most challenging. Learning to embrace yourself completely is a great way to surpass the pressure of perfection, particularly within the beauty industry. To truly see yourself, beyond all the trends, fads, and expectations, is incredibly liberating.

But how do you learn to love yourself?

There really isn’t one straightforward answer. But, beginning to focus on what makes you you, instead of what makes you “imperfect” is a great place to start. Remember, if perfection is an illusion (which it is), so is imperfection.