Sree Murali
The parenting world has had a major epiphany with the rising popularity of gentle parenting: children have emotional needs too.
One of the easiest ways to become a best-selling author would be to write a book titled “How to Raise a Perfect Child”. Parents have always wanted to raise perfect children, often with intense pressure from society. Instead, perhaps they should focus on raising happy children.
Could gentle parenting be the answer?
What Is Gentle Parenting?
Parenting styles are typically classified into four categories: authoritarian, authoritative, permissive and uninvolved. Often categorised as an authoritative parenting style, gentle parenting is about understanding and validating your child’s emotions. Giving them a safe space to express themselves leads to a stronger bond and, ultimately, happier parents and children. Gentle parenting is not about giving in to every whim of your child, but rather letting them express all emotions, positive or negative, in a way that makes them feel heard.
“Children who don’t feel safe enough to express unpleasant emotions often grow up to be adults that have difficulty dealing with this later in life”
For example, when a child throws a tantrum because they want ice cream instead of regular food at mealtimes, firm believers in traditional or authoritarian parenting might shout at the child and force them to eat a proper meal. The child might obey, but they would be unlikely to feel safe enough to express unpleasant emotions in the future. Permissive parents might give the child an enormous fancy sundae to stop the tantrum. However, this might indicate to the child that any demand, no matter how unreasonable, is just a tantrum away.
In this typical family scenario, an atypical approach would be gentle parenting. Small children often throw tantrums when they are overwhelmed, therefore, the child may eventually feel safer after venting and go on to learn how to process difficult emotions. Children who don’t feel safe enough to express unpleasant emotions often grow up to be adults that have difficulty dealing with this later in life.
Gentle Parenting In The Media
Gentle parenting has been polarising online. Critics often assume it to be a more ‘lax’ style with no firm boundaries because of the word ‘gentle’. There is an online trend which parodies this, poking fun by repeating gentle parenting phrases like “you are safe” to a child who is acting difficult.
@livjowen You are special, you are perfect, you are safe! #gentleparent #millenialmom #millenialparenting #gentleparenting #gentleparentinglife #toddlermomlife #toddlertantrums #toddlers #toddlerlife #funnyreels #funnyreel #momhumor #parentinghumor #momstruggles #millennialparenting #millennialmom
It reflects the unrealistic expectations of gentle parenting as simply parroting these phrases will not solve the problem instantly. This is a hard pill to swallow: gentle parenting is not a magic trick. It takes effort, patience and consistency to achieve results.
This is confirmed by Zoe Ayre, a gentle parenting expert and author of I Will Always Help You Sleep (2023), who tells us: “A lot of people think that gentle parenting is permissive, which is a very different type of parenting style. A lot of the criticism comes from people jumping to conclusions where they assume that there are no boundaries in place… and that they can do anything they want.”
Hannah Allen, a mother of two boys, also emphasises the importance of patience. She says that mealtimes with her older child, who’s almost 2 years old, have recently become difficult. Every parent with a toddler can relate to this. However, Allen is an avid follower of gentle parenting who understands that, although it can be hard, it is important to be respectful to your child whilst setting boundaries.
Being a parent who respects her child, she would not force him to eat, but she would also not stop trying. A lot of sleep-deprived parents functioning on copious cups of coffee might take the easy way out by forcing their children to eat. And this is exactly what sets parents practising gentle parenting apart.
The Parenting Prism
The research on parenting is limited as it is often Eurocentric, as chartered psychologist Dr. Kay Owen explains to Empoword: “I think whenever we’re talking about the parenting styles that work and the impact that they have, we need to look at the broader cultural context because that’s going to influence everything about what happens in the family and about how the adults that enter into it and how children integrate as well.”
“To some extent, children do require different forms of parenting”
This is one of the reasons why parenting in most Asian cultures falls under the authoritarian style, whilst a lot of Western cultures encourage authoritative and permissive parenting styles. It is a reflection of societal norms and expectations. Although it’s considered more authoritative in style, gentle parenting could involve elements of each one.
Dr. Owen states that some styles suit some children more than others, depending on their traits. She adds, “to some extent, children do require different forms of parenting, and this can change over the child’s life span.”
So, gentle parenting is not a workout routine with a fixed set of exercises to achieve remarkable results. It differs with each child and their emotional needs. The essence of treating children with patience and respect remains the core value of gentle parenting. Although, the words and actions may vary depending on the situation.
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Featured image courtesy of Josh Willink on Pexels. No changes made to this image. Image licence found here.
