Emelia Turner
People-pleasing is a common tendency in which individuals prioritise the needs and wants of others over their own. Yet, neglecting our own needs can lead to negative impacts on mental and physical wellbeing and can cause strains in relationships.
While generosity is certainly a positive trait to possess, it is important to be able to recognise the difference between being generous and people-pleasing. Essentially, acts of kindness towards others shouldn’t be at the expense of your own wellbeing. If this is the case, then it’s important to pay attention to these behaviours.
SIGNS OF PEOPLE-PLEASING
• Apologising excessively or seeking approval from others.
• Putting the needs of others before your own.
• Having difficulty saying no to people.
• Feeling guilty/anxious when not pleasing others.
• Inability to assert yourself.
• Inability to make decisions.
CAUSES OF PEOPLE-PLEASING
1) Low self-esteem:
Insecurities may cause you to please others in order to gain validation and approval, which then gives you a sense of value and worth that you may not have previously awarded yourself.
2) Fear of rejection or abandonment:
You may often fear that others will reject or abandon you if you do not consistently meet their needs. Unfortunately, this can lead to others taking advantage of the fact that you prioritise their wants or needs over your own.
3) Childhood experiences:
Growing up in an environment where love and validation from caregivers were limited can cause you to go to great lengths to receive appreciation from others. It may be the case that validation was only given if you went out of your way to accommodate caregivers’ needs. Also, being overly agreeable may have been necessary as a child to avoid triggering abusive behaviour, a habit which follows into adulthood.
4) Lack of assertiveness:
Fear of damaging relationships due to potential conflict can cause you to be afraid to assert yourself. You may also have grown up in an environment where assertiveness was discouraged or even punished, leading to a lack of confidence in expressing your opinions and setting boundaries.
5) Social conditioning:
Society generally rewards those who are accommodating and selfless and looks down on those who prioritise themselves. This, in turn, means that people have a fear of appearing selfish, thus going out of their way to please others to avoid this.
EFFECTS OF PEOPLE-PLEASING
• Increased stress and anxiety: Ensuring that others are happy can cause a great deal of anxiety. People-pleasers may get stuck in a cycle of stress and overthinking when others have negative moods.
• Lack of self-worth: Seeking approval or validation from others can make you feel inadequate if this is not received. People-pleasing behaviour may also lead to burnout, which will leave you feeling exhausted with a lack of self-worth.
• Difficulty setting boundaries: Prioritising the needs of others over your own can cause people to take advantage of you, as there are no clear boundaries set.
• Resentment towards others: If you neglect your own wants and needs, it may lead to feelings of frustration and unfulfillment, which can then manifest as resentment towards the people that you’ve been prioritising.
• Indecisiveness: Fear of rejection means difficulty making decisions is a common trait among people-pleasers because they worry that others won’t be happy with decisions that they make.
HOW TO BREAK THE HABIT OF PEOPLE-PLEASING
Fortunately, there are a number of methods that can help you to break the habit of people-pleasing. It may seem a lengthy process at first, but with time and effort, you will be able to adopt healthier communicative patterns and a greater level of assertiveness. This will lead to an improvement in mental wellbeing.
1) Set boundaries:
Identify your own wants and needs and remember that it is important, and completely okay, to say no to others if these are compromised. Make your boundaries clear to others if they are asking too much of you. Also, avoid making excuses. If you don’t want to do something, it’s perfectly acceptable to say this without making up an excuse.
2) Surround yourself with supportive people:
Seek out friends and family members who are supportive, and who value you for who you are as an individual rather than only for the things that you do for them. This will allow you to realise that it’s not necessary to constantly accommodate the needs of others in order to receive love and acceptance.
3) Attempt to improve self-esteem:
By improving your self-esteem, you won’t solely be relying on the appreciation and validation that others offer when you please them. A rise in self-esteem can be achieved by avoiding comparing yourself to others and identifying the positive traits that you possess.
4) Practice self-care more often:
Similarly, it’s essential that self-care is prioritised. It’s vital that you look after your own mental and physical wellbeing. You could have a pamper day, take a walk, read your favourite book, or cook a new meal for yourself.
5) Seek therapy:
By talking about the problems that you’re having with a therapist, you can receive professional advice that would help you target the main root of your people-pleasing tendencies and assist with tackling them.
Overall, it’s important to remember that it’s okay to continue being generous to people, so long as this doesn’t affect your own mental and physical health. If you’re wanting to help someone simply because you feel guilty or afraid of not doing so, then you’re not doing it for the right reasons. Continue helping people and making them happy, but only on your own terms, and don’t let this be the cause of stress or anxiety for you. The right people will care about you even without you constantly going above and beyond for them.
Featured image courtesy of Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash. Image license found here. No changes were made to this image.
Really insightful and helpful information.