This week, I bought Florence Given’s book, Women Don’t Owe You Pretty. She speaks a lot of the struggles of internalised misogyny, the patriarchy and how women shrink themselves down to appease society and men in particular.
It is used as a way to control women, have them be portrayed as the society best sees fit, and socialise them with sexist beliefs surrounding their own bodies and behaviours. I started thinking about the times when I know I have been guilty of using my internalised misogyny to pit myself against other women. This is something that I am becoming increasingly aware of. I’m always trying to challenge my way of thinking when something doesn’t sit right with me. Why do I not like that woman? Why does she annoy me? Has she actually done something to upset me, or is it a deeper problem within myself that I’m projecting onto her? This way of thinking is something that brings me shame, as natural emotions that can only be described as temporary jealousy, usually do. It is so important for women to empower, praise and build each other, and that is why it might be difficult to admit that sometimes I can be jealous of another woman.
I can be jealous of another woman.
I have always struggled with self confidence, like many do, but I had assumed that it would get better as I aged. In a sense it has done, and I can appreciate my looks and personality in a way which was alien to me from the ages of 13 through to 19. Don’t get me wrong, I still have days where I think I am the most hideous person ever, possibly, on the planet, but I know how to deal with that better than I did when I was becoming a young woman. I can understand why I am feeling the way I am better than I ever could in school and college.
There are times where I have felt good about myself, but then quickly felt guilty and ashamed, and labelled myself as being ‘vain’. Why is being self confident a negative thing? In a world where women are dragged for being unconventional, and not how society would like women to be. I feel I have worked a long time to feel good about myself, and I have to remind myself that it is okay to be self confident, despite negative connotations that society pushes onto those who feel this way about themselves. Vain has connotations to women who are well groomed, look after their appearance, and take pride in how they look. Society perpetuates the idea that women have to have beautiful skin, but not perfect, long hair, but not too long, long lashes, but not fakes, skinny, but not too skinny, a gym bunny, but not muscular. God forbid, a woman fulfilling these expectations and societal pressures, she is vain and self obsessed and one of those women. Instead of looking good for society, she is looking good for herself = bad woman! How dare she!
For a while, I have been correcting myself and teaching myself to think differently about women who are different to me, to try to break away from the way in which girls have been conditioned their whole lives. To be in competition with each other. To loath each other. To outdo one another.
I don’t think that I identify as a ‘girly girly’ as such, and I have for a long time tried to shape my image around anything other than that. For what? Given’s book really made me think about what it is that makes me pull away from the typically feminine qualities that women have. Is it a fear that if I present myself as a ‘girly girl’, I will be seen as ‘just a girl’ and not ‘a girl who can’? For example, I stay away from bright colours, especially ones that have ‘girly’ connotations. I hardly own anything which even hints at anything other than black or grey, and I try to avoid the colour pink at all costs. Is this because it is deemed too ‘girly’ by society, or something that ‘soft’ women wear. To be strong and taken seriously, must I wear black all the time?
Internalised misogyny had, for a long time, prevented me from appreciating my body for how it was. I was, and still am, over critical of my body, constantly comparing myself to the images shown in the media of the ‘ideal’ body type. I found myself purposefully not following celebrities who had what I deemed as ‘the perfect body’. One that I thought I had to have, but for some reason, couldn’t. I would avoid seeing these body types on my timeline, as to not upset myself, and remind myself of the woman I could be. Instead of celebrating other people’s bodies, I saw them as a negative thing and something to avoid, because I was upset. I know now that those feelings have grown from society pushing the ‘ideal’ body type of the moment, as if women’s bodies are something of a trend, something to be exhibited and moulded into to be acceptable.
I can become a more self aware person, and one who is more supportive of the other women around me
I continue to question and stop myself when I start having negative thoughts about a particular woman, or someone who looks different to me. I have found it increasingly easier to ask myself ‘what is it about this woman that you do not like?’ Hopefully, if I keep asking myself these important questions, I can become a more self aware person, and one who is more supportive of the other women around me.
If you want to read more about Women Don’t Owe You Pretty read our review here
Faye Wasilowski Follow @faye_wasilowski
Feature Image courtsey of Jen Theodora via Unsplash. This image has in no way been altered. Copyright is available here.
Faye Wasilowski
I love coffee and long reads. Currently working as a freelance journalist after graduating earlier this year.