I haven’t had sex in over a year, and I’m perfectly OK with that

This ‘dry spell’ has taught me so much more about what I want and need from sexual intimacy.

As I was researching for this piece, I discovered an article about sex published by Bolde.com. One of the quotes read, “Having a dry spell for a young, attractive girl isn’t really a normal thing.” For some reason, I felt personally attacked by this quote. I’m young, I’m no supermodel but I’m not unattractive – but then I remembered, I haven’t had sex in over a year. So am I abnormal? Am I weird? Am I ugly? The answer is none of the above. Not being physically intimate with someone is my choice, and I’m glad I made it. 

I went through a break up with someone who meant a lot to me and after that I didn’t have sex for a while. I then had meaningless, unfulfilling sex with someone but I haven’t had sex since. I’ve known deep down for a while that casual, meaningless sex isn’t for me. But this particular time kept playing over in my head and made me realise – I don’t want to do that anymore, I don’t need to and I don’t have to. 

As I’ve gotten older, I’ve realised that I want something more than just a one-night-stand, no-strings-attached, or friends-with-benefits type scenario. I have nothing against this type of sex at all. I wish I could shut off all my feelings and emotions and just have sex, but I don’t think I am capable of it. Sex means more to me than that, and I’ve come to accept that part of myself. 

There are positive and negative connotations to having or not having sex, too, and the pressure of society is still very prominent even at my age. One way I’m a slut, another I’m frigid. When I tell people I haven’t had sex for a certain period of time there’s always a negative response or people sound as if they feel sorry or bad for me: “Oh, I thought two months was bad.” 

This also opens up the discussion of whether people actually do enjoy meaningless, casual sex – or does this arrangement eventually always turn sour? Also, is there still room for this view in today’s society? Or is it outdated and old-fashioned? 

I’ve found after casual sex, I get too invested in this person and want more from them. I’ve also learned to accept that not everyone has the same wants and needs as me, and that’s perfectly fine. This doesn’t mean I should continue to go through catching feelings and feeling awful afterwards. I feel like I’ve devalued myself after giving myself to someone who doesn’t deserve it, and that I deserve better than that feeling. 

I’ve also got issues with rejection, commitment and abandonment due to my dad leaving me and my mum early on in my life, and it only really hit me after I’d started exploring sexual and romantic relationships fully as I’d gotten older; this plays a really big part in the way I live my life. 

There are benefits of choosing not to have sex. If you feel the pressure to shave when in a relationship, you no longer have to deal with that. You don’t feel that you have to buy sexy new underwear for anyone else but yourself. And you don’t have to go through any horrendous side effects of contraception. By not having sex, you have the opportunity to focus on your own pleasure; to figure out what you like and want sexually.

There have been too many negative connotations surrounding female masturbation for too long, and especially when you’re not having sex with other people, you should have it with yourself. After all, nobody can pleasure you better than you can pleasure yourself, and whether you’re using your hands or a sex toy, it’s a great way to discover what you like, don’t like, what gives you enjoyment and what will ultimately make you orgasm.

It’s also a chance to progress mentally and emotionally; to spend time in your own company and focus on other things. I’ve cared about sex and romance for so long and for a long time thought it was the most important thing in the world. Yet I can’t help but have fleeting thoughts in the back of my mind. I’m 23, in the prime of my life and I’m not having sex. Should I be? Should I have this mindset? Is this the best decision to make? 

A change in circumstances contributed to my situation. I’ve moved back into my cosy, family home. So sex or masturbation in a single bed with thin walls isn’t as easy as when I was living alone. So as much as I have enjoyed my own pleasure, it hasn’t been a priority, and I’ve focused more on being with the people that are closest and mean the most to me. I’ve put all my energy into my writing and researching career and I’ve just looked after myself. 

People have sex to feel a physical satisfaction, a confidence boost and most importantly, intimacy and connection. I’ve missed intimacy more than anything, not just sex but real intimacy with someone else. Sex with someone else for me is about accepting each other and experiencing a real connection.

When it comes to my sexual and romantic life I’ve always put others before myself and now it feels great to put me first. I want an emotional and physically intimate connection with the right person and I am more than happy to wait for that feeling again. 

By Kaiya Simon

Featured image courtesy of Sasha Freemind via Unsplash. Image license is available here. This Image has in no way been altered.