The communities of women that have been around me during this pandemic have been lifesavers. I have met people through chatting about books, I have joined groups of girls who all write journalistic articles, and in some other cases I have just started talking to people on Twitter or Instagram because they have similar interests to me. Each of these people have had a profound impact on my lockdown experience, helping me to get up each day and face the challenges ahead.
The power of waking up to a “Hey love, just checking how you are today?” should not be downplayed. That feeling of being loved and cared for outside of your immediate family can fill you with a warm feeling inside, giving you the metaphorical hug that your worn out and exhausted self desperately needs.
And so, when these friendships have been such a lifeline, why do I feel like I am letting these people down continuously?
As someone who is finding lockdown 3.0 hard, the internet does not always help. As I turn my phone on in the morning, barely getting changed and brushing my hair before I start my workday, I see people in immaculate outfits, false eyelashes and huge smiles as they grab a coffee and walk through their local picturesque parks. I want them to be happy, I really do, but sometimes it just furthers my feeling of gloom. Why am I not like these girls? Is there something wrong with me? All of these questions circle around in my head like a never-ending merry go round, making me scream to get off at the next stop so that I can live in peace.
And then, what furthers this anxiety is the positivity posts that tell us we should be eating healthy, exercising, calling friends in an evening, looking after ourselves, having a bath every week with candles and bath bombs, painting our nails, and going on a 10k run. It is exhausting. I know that these are all good for me, but when many of us are scraping through the days, these are just added pressures that we sometimes do not need.
So, with all of these problems that the internet holds, I feel myself pulling away from my phone. Instead of embracing these friendships and looking out for others around me, I reduce my screen time. In an act of self defence, I stop calling and messaging everybody and I lose contact. It breaks my heart to think that people may believe I do not care about them but sometimes the emotional capacity to be online and present in everyone’s life all the time is overwhelming.
Does everyone else feel the same?
I know that so many other people are doing the same thing right now, taking time off for themselves. And yet I still feel guilty and I still feel like I am letting people down. But I think that we should all be spreading the message today that this is in no way an indication of how much we value those people around us. We thank those friends that make lockdown more enjoyable and we don’t know how we would get by without them. So instead, let us see the time that we need to ourselves as self-care, and a form of it that we all need from time to time.
Sophie Wilson
Feature image courtesy of Maxim Ilyahov via Unsplash. This Image has in no way been altered. Image license is available here.