I’ve always had a strong hatred for dating apps, Tinder in particular. When telling people that I’m single, I’m usually met with the line ‘but aren’t you on Tinder?’, as though it is the answer to all my problems. I usually respond to this question with a rant about how Tinder is ‘unromantic’, for ‘hook-ups’, and that I would never find ‘the real deal’ on there. But as I looked at the multiple friends and colleagues I know who have found love through this app, I realised I’d never given it more than the odd 2 hour stint before deleting it. I’d never really given it a chance.
So I recently decided to give Tinder a chance, and needless to say, it didn’t work out. As I deleted the app with a bruised ego, unanswered questions and a total lack of faith in men in their twenties, I realised I had a thing or two to say about my experience. Whilst my friends and I initially came to the conclusion that perhaps I am ‘just too sensitive’ for Tinder, I knew I had a bit of an issue with this statement. Though I do admit I am more on the sensitive side of the emotional spectrum, one thing I do know is that I have a lot of respect for myself, confidence in who I am and what I bring to the table. And, I have very little time for partners who give you crumbs instead of the whole damn cake (to quote Florence Given). And so I came to a few conclusions of my own; I’m not too sensitive for Tinder, but rather, dating apps have disconnected us from reality in ways that most of us don’t even realise, and it needs to stop.
- We sign ourselves up to be an option.
In the real world, you wouldn’t ordinarily seek out the attention of someone who likes to keep their options open. We like to be prioritised, and the desire to commit has to be evident, even if it’s just a commitment to exclusivity. In fact, if you started talking to someone only to discover they are also speaking to five or six others, I would like to think you’d run the other way. I know I would. So why do we sign ourselves up for something we don’t want? To me, the concept of Tinder is flawed from the get-go if you are using the app to actually search for something serious. This leads me on nicely to my next problem with dating apps…
- We are overloaded with choice.
In reality, if you were to put dating apps aside and just meet people in real life, it’s highly unlikely that you would be meeting an abundance of people you’re physically attracted to and with an open line of communication to on a daily, weekly, or even monthly basis. In two years of being single, I’ve met only around 2 or 3 people IRL that I’ve wanted to get to know romantically. But with Tinder, we have countless options at our hands, every day. And the problem with that is that we are always waiting for something better to come along, because, well… we can.
- Our intentions aren’t always the best.
The problem here is that Tinder, more often than not, attracts people looking for a little confidence boost. Admittedly, many of us have been there – it happens when we’re feeling a little down, not too confident, or need a little reminder that we are in fact, hot. These are all insecurities that we are looking for other people to validate when we are experiencing low self-worth. And so as we keep on flicking through our stack and get that little ego boost when someone hot matches with us, and even more of an ego boost when someone hotter matches with us, but we are doing so with a total disregard for what the other person is looking for or feeling. This can result, intentionally or unintentionally, in using people and it often leads to the next big problem.
- Ghosting has become a social norm.
Ghosting happens all the time on Tinder. But why would we think too much into it? You don’t know that person, you’ve never even met them before. You don’t owe them anything, right? This lack of consideration is somewhat expected and why people often refer to ghosting as ‘just a part of Tinder’. It has become commonplace to treat people with very little care for their emotions as they are quite literally disposable to you.
I can’t say I’ve never ghosted anyone myself. But usually this has resulted from being asked something inappropriate or being made to feel uncomfortable by the demands of individual men. And in those circumstances, ghosting is actually appropriate – protect yourself first and foremost.
However, I take issue with how millennials have become accustomed to ghosting people as a substitute for honest communication. When we don’t want to have that awkward conversation with someone to tell them that we’ve changed our mind, or we’re not looking for the same things – or even worse, we just can’t be bothered anymore – ghosting is our automatic response. And whilst sometimes being ghosted can feel like water off a ducks back, other times, ghosting can really hurt. It can leave you feeling perplexed, confused, with so many unanswered questions, especially when you’ve been ghosted out of the blue. It’s so easy to feel as though you’ve done something wrong or that you weren’t good enough.
- We measure our self-worth by our love life.
But here’s the thing. Being ghosted is not a reflection of yourself, or what you’re lacking. It’s a reflection of what the other person is lacking, emotionally. It’s crucial to remember that there is nothing you could have done to change that outcome – no matter who you are, the pictures you used or how good your conversation was. That person was always going to have been swiping as an attempt to raise their own low self-esteem. My point is that dating apps should not just be used as a place to validate yourself at the expense of others, and this lack of common courtesy for other people’s emotions is a selfish behaviour that is becoming far too normal for my liking.
- We over analyse everything and are far too strategic.
How many times have you sent something into the group chat when it comes to Tinder? Whether it be which pictures to use, whether to swipe left or right, or what your response should be, we are constantly asking other people to help us be ourselves. Do you see the issue with that statement? This can often lead to us being too strategic with our responses too. How long did they take to reply? I’ll wait double the time. He sent me three messages at once? Too keen, let’s be a little blunt and play hard to get. What I’ve found on Tinder is that it’s all a big game of who cares less? This is completely backwards when you think about why you’re actually on the app. It also leads to situations where you’re unsure if they’re just playing games, or if they actually… don’t really care.
Downloading a dating app is meant to make it easier for you to meet new people, not harder! If you’re on Tinder at the moment, ask your self this: is being on a dating app causing you stress? Or to overthink? Or to feel insecure about yourself? In the same breath, do you download Tinder when you need a confidence boost? Are you using Tinder to get over someone else? Are you talking to people that you know are more invested than you are? If you answered yes to any of those questions, it’s probably time to delete the app. It’s just not worth it.
Beth O’Neill
Featured image courtesy of Harry Cunningham on Unsplash. Copyright can be found here. No changes were made to this image.
This article was originally published on Beth’s blog, https://bethoneillblogs.com/.