TW: This article discusses themes readers may find sensitive, such as suicide, mental illness and toxic masculinity. Reader discretion is advised.
In England, one in five women have CMD (common mental disorder) symptoms at a given time, compared with one in eight men. Yet, of the 6,507 UK suicides in 2018, men accounted for three quarters. There is a clear gap here – a disjunction between men’s comparatively lower diagnosis of mental illness, and the fact that more men than women are driven to take their own lives.
These statistics shout loud and clear the reality that men’s mental health is an urgent issue in our country. Having grown up with three brothers, and having lived with three 21-year old boys in my second year at university, I have had close contact with the often oscillating, but sometimes deep-rooted, existence of male mental illness.
During lockdown, my love for podcasts thrived and I discovered Jamie Clements’ fantastic podcast ‘Man Down: The Anti-Man-Up Movement.’ Initially, I was hesitant, thinking that the word ‘man’ excludes the ‘woman’ listener. This could not be further from the truth. I first heard Jamie on ‘The Inside Out Series’ – a podcast hosted by a woman that went to my secondary school – and he described how, when analysing the statistics of his audience, he discovered that many girls were tuning in.
“As girls we have a responsibility to be attentive to the mental well-being of our brothers, our friends, our boyfriends and our fathers”
On the podcast, Jamie speaks to different men – including a health & lifestyle coach, a model and an ex-professional football player – about their mental health journey, unearthing the truth that vulnerability in men is a sign of strength not weakness. Sam Barton, a brand strategy consultant and personal brand coach, speaks on one of the episodes about the ‘grey man’ phenomenon, which suggests that men today are stuck in a position of not knowing how to be vulnerable. Society has rejected the traditional expectation that men must be tough and resilient, but men do not yet know how to express the tumult of difficult feelings that they experience – hence the lower rate of mental ill-health diagnosis in men.
I found this idea of the ‘grey man’ a helpful way to understand the male mental health problem. I often find in my male friends that they pride themselves on being strong, on being a rock for others. Recently, some of them have started to find the words to explain the feelings of anxiety and stress that they can experience, as we all do. I used to describe boys as Cadbury Crème Eggs – all hard on the outside and soft on the inside – and now I realise that this is a restrictive metaphor which upholds the stereotype of male resilience that we need to break down.
At university, I have come into contact with the rugby culture. There is a prominent stereotype that rugby lads are crude, rude and often nude. Although the latter is frequently true (socials can get pretty freaky), I think that the first two labels are counter-productive in light of the need to open up conversations about men’s mental health. The pressures that boys face in a rugby club are often extreme, fuelled by the desire to be accepted in the social space of the sport they love to play. Although this often leads to outrageous decision-making, these are pressures that all university students can relate to.
“Just as you don’t wait until you are seriously ill before having hospital treatment, so you shouldn’t wait until the crisis point to have therapy.”
Here, Jamie speaks in his episode on The Inside Out Series about his involvement in a rugby club. He specifically notes the strong friendships he developed, particularly after the death of one of the members. I myself have met some charming and hard-working young men in the club and witnessed the wonderful camaraderie that shapes its ethos. To ensure that cruel initiations and gross behaviour ends, we need to stop applying reductive labels to the rugby club and be open to friendships and relationships with the people within it – they experience difficult and debilitating emotions just as much as those outside of it.
Therapy is one of the best ways to improve your mental wellbeing and this applies to men as well as women. The stigma around it is, in my eyes, ridiculous – you don’t need to have suffered significant trauma, or to be on the brink of suicide, to seek out therapy. Just as you don’t wait until you are seriously ill before having hospital treatment, so you shouldn’t wait until the crisis point to have therapy.
“These statistics shout loud and clear to the reality that men’s mental health is an urgent issue in our country”
I recently discovered Zoë Aston, the therapist and mental health consultant who makes therapy accessible by treating it as the equivalent to a physical workout. Her new book Your Mental Health Workout: Five Weeks to a Healthier, Happier Mind – coming out in May 2021 – sets out exercises to help readers work on their mental health as if it were their physical health. By mixing the language of a personal trainer and a therapist, she cultivates workouts that focus “on that core stability – your self-esteem” and “intimacy muscles.” What’s great about her technique is its gender-neutrality; there’s no psychobabble, or gendered approaches towards breaking down masculine inhibitions. It’s a relatable practice of self-care which both men and women – and perhaps especially the sporty rugby lads – can respond proactively to.
As girls, we have a responsibility to be attentive to the mental well-being of our brothers, our friends, our boyfriends and our fathers. I’m going to look for the ‘wobbles’ (as I like to describe them). I’ll ask the questions ‘Are you ok?’ and ‘How are you feeling?’, and remain attuned to the fact that the boys and men in my life are just as susceptible to mental health trouble as the girls and women.
Imogen Higgins
Image courtesy of Nik Shuliahin on Unsplash .