Heather Davey
TW: This first person account talks about eating disorders and shows photos which may upset some readers.
Eating disorders affect 1.25 million people in the UK. Eating disorders are a psychiatric illness, which affects each individual differently.
Anorexia Nervosa, Binge Eating Disorder, Bulimia and EDNOS are all different eating disorders, but all important to understand and recognise.
Signs and Symptoms of an Eating Disorder
One symptom of an eating disorder is secretion. For myself, my eating disorder stole my personality, my humour, my drive and feeling of self. I lived a mere shell of who I was, consumed by my body, calories and most scarily submerged in lies anorexia made me believe.
Five years ago, I was diagnosed with Anorexia Nervosa (AN), the most common eating disorder in the UK. Anorexia affects around 1 in 5 people and has the highest mortality rate compared to any psychiatric illness.
According to NHS England, symptoms of AN are having an abnormally low body weight (or BMI), having severely distorted views of body image, and even using medication or exercise to control one’s weight.
Accepting my diagnosis
Having a diagnosis of anorexia was something I couldn’t accept for a very long time. After years of outpatient treatment, several inpatient admissions and intense recovery programmes, I can now see, two years into full recovery, that my illness fooled me into killing myself.
It feels harsh to write it this way, but my body was shutting down on me; weight loss (the most obvious symptom of Anorexia Nervosa), fatigue, hair loss, feeling cold and muscle weakness. Though, the physical symptoms aren’t all that affected me: isolation, loss of concentration, depression and feeling completely disconnected and utterly demotivated.
One bizarre symptom that the ordinary person might not see is being obsessed with food; watching cooking programmes excessively, watching extreme food challenges, being obsessed with watching your parents cook and even cooking/baking for others to feel reassured they’ve eaten too.
It’s too easy to say ‘just eat’
For anyone who has suffered with an Eating Disorder, or for anyone who has lived with one, the process of change feels impossible. It makes you feel like nothing will ever get better.
“Just eat a burger, I’ll treat you to one,” are the words of help that came from my twin’s mouth the day I was transferred to an adolescent eating disorder unit.
For him, and many others, eating is the most obvious resolution.
As simple as that may seem, for someone who has a voice constantly screaming in your mind ordering you to starve your body of anything and that punishes you for not exercising, eating wasn’t the cure.
When your body is in starvation mode, your brain cognition is warped. Your perception of reality and what is real is twisted, and your body is in physical danger.
I had a strict meal plan to gain weight, but to make sure my body wouldn’t react to a sudden influx of calories and different macronutrients at the same time.
For around seven months of my first admission, doctors treated me through a Nasogastric Tube, which passed through my nose, down my throat and into my stomach; the process and feeling was horrible. I was Nil by Mouth and my fear of food grew greater. Being NG dependant saved my life, for some time, before I slowly weaned back onto solid food.
The irony of eating disorder treatment
Now, I look back and wonder how I lived with such restrictions, but sometimes, even now, the whimper of anorexia tells me to count calories, control my weight and, well, be unhappy.
In hospital, I received treatment and was, when I was on solid foods, force-fed some questionable microwaved meals; I find it ironic that for an Eating Disorder Unit; the food isn’t the slightest bit appealing. One meal that will resonate with me and my mum was the quiche. The thickest pastry, which was as hard as a brick, a farm’s worth of cheese and egg filling and enough broccoli to send anyone green, never mind someone scared by food. Even my mum was shocked by the food they expected me to eat.
Being tied down to meal plans, regimes and bed rest is helpful for physical weight restoration, but for me, it didn’t rewire those disordered thoughts. Living with and being constantly reminded of your illness isn’t always helpful. Having to live with people alike is like a pageant competition for who can be the ‘most’ anorexic. It wasn’t always toxic, but anorexia thrives on comparisons: who’s on the highest meal plan, who’s dependent on Nasogastric feeding (NG), who’s allowed to walk, who’s not.
Gaining more than just weight in recovery
My recovery turned around when I was discharged. There were relapses, but according to a study, around 35% of people, with anorexia, relapse into disordered behaviour within the first 18 months post-treatment.
When you have an eating disorder, or any mental health problem, you lose insight, the ability to see, hear or think rationally. For me, I never saw the need to ‘recover’; to gain weight, engage in therapy, to be in hospital. Some readers may resonate with this, some may not.
Having support from family is something huge when in recovery, but it isn’t easy for families to deal with their daughter, son, sibling or cousin self-destructing.
I chose recovery the day my parents, who are divorced and speak once in a blue moon, sat down in a room with me and told me I was going to die. The look on their faces and the sincerity of tone in their voice must have terrified anorexia. It was time for a change.
Eating was difficult, at times torturous, but by eating little and often, I was screaming back at anorexia.
Now, some two years on from the depths of my eating disorder, I have built on relationships which were strained and forged new ones. Gaining weight was the hardest part of choosing to recover, but it outweighs gaining back my smile.
I now study Broadcast Journalism, something which requires one big dose of confidence and concentration. I work with and around food as a barista. Eating is now something I enjoy without a second thought and I exercise occasionally, but it’s never forced.
Food is the fuel for my body, my brain and for my future. I no longer dread what I will next eat and will snack whilst making a snack before eating dinner.
My mum often tells me, in times of stress and uncertainty, “You faced death in the face and you fought. There isn’t anything you can’t beat now.”
For anyone who might struggle with an eating disorder, advice and support can be accessed online. BeatED is a charity organisation which supports people with eating disorders and their support network.
Here are some useful links for support and advice on eating disorders:
- https://www.beateatingdisorders.org.uk/
- https://www.nhs.uk/mental-health/feelings-symptoms-behaviours/behaviours/eating-disorders/overview/
- https://eating-disorders.org.uk/
- https://www.talk-ed.org.uk/
Featured images courtesy of Heather Davey.
More from Empoword Journalism marking EDAW2o22
Eating Disorder Awareness Week: TikTok’s Eating Disorder Culture Has To Stop.
Eating Disorder Awareness Week: Orthorexia: An Unhealthy Focus On Eating In A Healthy Way
