Clare Sellers
We all have an idea of how our lives ‘should’ pan out. There are timings that shouldn’t be missed, steps that shouldn’t be skipped and this pre-formulated plan of what the rest of our lives should structurally look like from the day we are old enough to understand it.
There is school, university, graduation, a career, marriage, babies, retirement. The list could go on forever and whilst some people’s may look a little different from others, this idea of needing a chronological order to follow in order to evaluate the success of one’s life can seriously affect people when things start to go wrong.
It has become extremely prevalent for people to plan their lives to every minor detail. But what effect does this have on people when life starts to stray from the societal norms that are so imprinted on us today?
“I always had the pressure to do well – failure was not an option.”
Simran Kaur, a 21-year-old student from Liverpool, spoke to me about her experience of not getting into university the first time around and feeling like she was falling behind:
“At first, I felt very disappointed in myself, but my family were nothing but supportive and encouraged me to try again the following year. After taking that gap year, volunteering and working more, I felt more confident applying again. It confirmed this was what I wanted.”
She added, “I always had the pressure to do well – failure was not an option.”
21-year-old student, Tazmin Khanum, can also identify with similar issues:
“There came to a point when my only concern was my academic success. It’s the one thing in my life I knew I was ahead in. Coming from a family where my parents deeply cared about my studies, I always had the pressure to do well – failure was not an option. Unfortunately, I did not do well during my A-levels. Seeing my friends and people who I have known throughout high school go to university, whilst I had to sit a foundation year, did make me feel like I was starting to fall behind in life.”
One of the hardest parts of missing a societal ‘milestone’ is this unwavering pressure we put on ourselves, in reality, there wouldn’t be judgement from those who know and love you, but that judgement is carried through by ourselves. Miss Kaur reflected on this:
“If I experienced judgement from anyone it was myself. I was so fixated on the idea that straight after sixth form it was university, then getting a job then doing all the adult things in life like getting married and buying a house and so on. But realistically it was only a year I was held back, and it made me more confident in myself and wanting to be a nurse.”
It seems that the stereotypes, often determined by age, have a stronger effect on us than anyone has even begun to realise.
Miss Khanum told me, “It did make me feel like I had fallen behind. As if my success was based around my own age group. It wasn’t until I made friends with people within my year group did I feel less worried about what others were doing.”
“Nothing needs to be rushed. When it happens, it happens.”
While it is a universal experience to feel the pressure that comes with these pre-determined ideals, it is sometimes exaggerated by cultures to a certain extent. Simran, who was brought up in South Asian culture, speaks on this:
“Being brought up in South Asian culture, sometimes it’s expected of you to reach certain milestones in life like getting a job and getting married. My parents are very supportive in everything I do and remind me to take life as it comes. Nothing needs to be rushed. When it happens, it happens.”
Unfortunately, not every young person is afforded the luxury of supportive parents, and those who have often felt unwavering pressure from their parents can struggle immensely with these setbacks.
“Everyone’s journey is different. You have to do what’s best for you and what makes you happy. Life’s honestly too short.”
Tazmin elaborated: “I most definitely felt judgement from my parents. Coming from a strict background, my studies were made to be one of my main priorities. This meant growing up, no other factor could be. I had to purely focus on my studies.
“Although my parents did come around to the fact I was going to be behind one year, there was still the problem of me finishing university later, which meant I would start planning other factors of life such as getting married, buying my own house and having children a lot later due to how long my course was.”
These setbacks can be extremely disheartening and have the potential to really affect the way a person views themselves and their possible future. It is important to realise that everyone moves at their own pace, and we don’t all need to live the same exact life.
Miss Kaur reflects on her experience: “It was stressful but I’m thankful I didn’t get in that year. It made me think about life from a very different perspective. Again, I know it was only a year but for me, it felt like the end of the world. I take life as it comes now and focus on the now.”
It is a recurring problem for people to experience, what are realistically minor setbacks, that make them feel as though it is the end of the world. Miss Kaur has advice for those who may be feeling as though they have fallen behind the crowd.
“Everyone’s journey is different. You have to do what’s best for you and what makes you happy. Life’s honestly too short. When things are meant to happen and fall into place, it will.”
We can try to eliminate the poor effect of these stigmas, but what should be the first priority is uprooting these stereotypical ideas and replacing them with the freedom to choose how one’s life should pan out and at what speed and Miss Kaur believes it starts now:
“I think it starts with our generation stopping the stigma of life milestones, so the future generations don’t feel unnecessary pressure.”
Miss Khanum has similar ideals: “I believe this is a psychological and social issue that isn’t spoken about enough. In particular during the most influential stages in our lives, this is a problem many people experience but don’t want to speak about. If stigmatised milestones and the idea of falling behind were to be addressed, I believe it would help people in many different ways such as boosting confidence, raising aspirations and benefiting individuals mentally and socially.”
It is time society did away with the expectations on young people to meet certain milestones by a certain age and let them live how they wish.
Featured image courtesy of Brandon Church via Unsplash. Image license found here. No changes were made to the image.
claresellers
I am a 20-year-old multimedia journalism student in my final year studying at the University of Salford
Yes there are pressures & expectations at all ages personal as well as academic re conforming to society expectations re marriage / children for example. Class / gender affects opportunities still also.. list could go on
Interesting subject Clare