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Watch Out Gwyneth, There’s a Musical in Front of You!

Lucy Matthews
Gwyneth Paltrow signing autographs (2012).

Lucy Matthews

A musical about Gwyneth Paltrow (yes, concerning THAT collision), is crashing into a theatre near you.

Gwyneth Goes Skiing. This isn’t the title of some highly-anticipated spin-off to Bridget Jones. This is the title of the tongue-in-cheek musical playing at London’s Pleasance Theatre from December 13th.

The musical revolves around Academy Award-winning actress Gwyneth Paltrow, who hit both the slopes and optometrist Terry Saunderson. Back in March this year, they both wound up in a bizarre court case over the incident, with $300,000 on the line.

https://twitter.com/ThePleasance/status/1735687078665470122

Whoever said inertia was the death of creativity clearly hadn’t come across Gwyneth Paltrow skiing. The general public was yet again left enthralled by celebrities in court, and after Depp vs. Heard, this one provided us with some much-needed, light-hearted relief. It may not be Singin’ in the Rain, but this upcoming theatre production looks to be a hysterical caricature of a trial, featuring individuals living in a world so different from our own.

Gwyneth Goes Skiing… A Woman and Her Crash Rife For Parody

Anyone who kept up to date with the trial back in March this year will know that, as well as being funny and flippant, the trial was an offputting display of wealth and privilege. It had everything. The eight-day civil case hinged on a ski crash between Paltrow and Saunderson back in 2016, and the soundbites were like nothing else. At one point, Saunderson even compared Paltrow to notorious sex-trafficker Jeffrey Epstein, making headlines around the world. It was glorious.

“Perhaps, if Gwynnie had been carrying her psychic vampire repellent spray, Terry Saunderson might not have ended up with four broken ribs.”

In fact, the only thing missing from the trial itself was actual singing. The closest we got to dancing was when the jury requested that Paltrow re-enact the collision. I immediately thought that, as an actress, this would be her crème de la crème. Thankfully, she wasn’t asked to perform a re-enactment when taken to court back in 2019, after accusations that her Goop branded ‘reproduction eggs’ do not, in fact, prevent uterus sagging and incontinence.

When I first heard about the skiing incident, I thought that perhaps if Gwynnie had been carrying her psychic vampire repellent spray (sold on her Goop website for £18) that fateful morning at Deer Valley Resort, Terry Saunderson might not have ended up with four broken ribs, a concussion and lasting brain damage. If she had simply whipped out the spray — which supposedly banishes soul suckers who cause you psychic attack and emotional harm — and given Saunderson a spritz, she could have skied off into the distance and not had to worry about angry optometrists coming after her seven years later.

“You Skied Directly Into My F–ing Back!”

“I call it artistic free will, mixed with creative genius.”

It seems to be written into British pop-culture musical theatre law: when a celebrity winds up on a podium and they yell something as fabulous as “You skied directly into my fucking back!”, it must be taken to the stage. It was done with Prince Andrew on Channel 4. His horrendous Newsnight interview is now immortalised in a series of satirical musical numbers, with titles like ‘I Nailed It’ and ‘Will You Be My Ex-wife?’ (or will you be my consciously uncoupled partner in Gwynnie’s case).

It is only right that Miss Paltrow receives the same musical theatre treatment. Was the trial even that insane if it didn’t provide us, mere commoners of society, with one-liners on a stage where we get to be the jury? When given a glimpse into the extravagant and unrealistic world of celebrity — where loss is measured in half a day’s skiing — one of the only ways we can grin and bear drawn-out judicial debates concerning the intricacies of ski resorts is through the satirical medium of musical theatre.

These celebs airing their opulent grievances automatically sign themselves up for scripts, parodies and life-long mockery. The majority of people wandering this earth could not afford the skiing, let alone the petty litigation. They cannot have the million-dollar health empire without the musical mockeries of their life.

Envy? No — I call it artistic free will, mixed with creative genius.

Gwyneth’s Musical Hits the Heights or Takes a Tumble?

Awkward Productions have struck gold with their upcoming Gwyneth musical.

By turning protagonist Paltrow into the parallel-challenged ski-woman, they’ve tapped into a rich vein of pop culture that is rife for parody. They’ve highlighted the ridiculousness of creating an antagonist out of Saunderson, whose only crime was being a wealthy man in Paltrow’s path. I mean, what else was he doing standing in Paltrow’s way on the slopes? He was obviously out there to get his hands on her cash. He certainly wasn’t searching for a whiff of the vagina-scented candle left on her salopettes, anyway.

Some frequent theatre-goers who enjoy the likes of Les Misérables may turn their noses up and regard themselves as too high and mighty to watch a production featuring a septuagenarian comparing Brad Pitt’s ex-girlfriend to Jeffrey Epstein. Yet, I know, without a doubt, the Greeks would have found the musical absolutely raucous — not even Homer himself could have written a musical retelling of a tale almost as tragic as Paltrow’s own Shakespeare In Love (1998).

Perhaps Paltrow will put the $1 she counter-sued Terry Saunderson for towards a theatre ticket. Perhaps, instead, she will buy everyone a ticket, as a form of apology for making us endure a week-long performance of sheer wealth. We probably could have done without that, given the cost of living crisis.

Actresses and optometrists aside, I know I will be securing my seat. Have we got a hit on our hands? Gwyneth will be the judge of that.

December’s run is sold out, but tickets are now available for January/February 2024 here.

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Featured image courtesy of Michael Mayer via Flickr. No changes were made to this image. Image license found here.

Hi! I am Lucy and I enjoy writing satirical and conversational pieces of writing. I am inspired by the likes of Marina Hyde and Dolly Alderton, and my dream is to be a magazine columnist. Whether it is political commentary or analysis on why Beyonce is transforming the music industry, I will always have something to say. I hope you enjoy my writing.

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