A few weeks ago, I was having a conversation with my friend about the “walk of shame”. It got me thinking, why does society often make young women feel ashamed for having casual sex? It’s completely unfair. Women should be in a position to decide what they do with their bodies, be it to sleep with fifty people or no one, without judgement.
“We can use language to change the way we think and speak”
When I began researching for this article, I came across the lock and key analogy. If a key could open a lot of locks, it’s a great key. However, if a key could open lots of different locks, it’s a rubbish lock. Boys are keys. If they chose to sleep with lots of girls, good on them. But girls are locks. This idea disgusted me.
It got me thinking about the way in which we discuss casual sex and the language we use. Take the ‘walk of shame’, a phrase so embedded in our vocabulary we rarely question it but why should we be ashamed? I discovered the phrase ‘stride of pride’ and it amazed me. It carries the same ring yet it’s far more empowering and possesses a positive connotation. We can use language to change the way we think and speak. It’s powerful.
“As I began reading the responses to my questionnaire, I was aghast”
How Do Young Women Feel About the Way We Talk About Casual Sex?
I needed to find out more about how young women felt but also what boys thought about women and casual sex. As we near the end of the third lockdown, it’s still not possible to get out and speak to lots of people, so I sent out a google form. It was very insightful.
As I began reading the responses to my questionnaire, I was aghast. Embarrassed, ashamed, guilty and disgusting appeared in almost every answer. One woman said she was made to feel “embarrassed and judged for doing something the person who made the comment does, the only difference is that she is in a long-term relationship”. This idea is crucial because it pushes the rhetoric that if you’re in a relationship, sex is fine. But if you’re single, you’re doing something wrong. This idea is dangerous and pushes false ideas. Women are just as entitled to casual sex as their male counterparts. Some women also discussed how others made them feel like they were “less of a human” and “less worthy of respect in a relationship”.
Why Do Women Feel This Way?
“We need to normalise the fact that women enjoy sex”
It became clear how deep-rooted this issue is. I wanted to get a better understanding as to why people think we still promote negative connotations of women seeking casual sex. Some women discussed how it’s a result of “historical bias”. Society repressed women’s liberties and desires for centuries. These ideas are embedded in our society and it can be difficult to shake these narratives. The majority of people explained how it’s a result of the patriarchy. We have been programmed to feel ashamed. There were also ideas about the role of the media. Shows such as Love Island provided an opportunity to praise young women for taking control of their bodies and their pleasure. Yet the media berated them. These attitudes continue to push the narrative that women have something to be ashamed of.
I think many women often feel as though they can never win. If you chose not to have sex, you’re ‘frigid’ and yet society ‘slut shames’ you if you have too much sex. It’s exhausting. Women deserve to have control over their bodies, without judgement or pressure.
So, How Do We Change This Narrative?
We need to normalise the fact that women enjoy sex. Women deserve the same freedom to enjoy sex without judgement, that we give to men. We need to change the way we talk about it and consider the language we use. We need to discuss women having casual sex in a positive light because it’s a positive thing.
“Women should have full autonomy over their bodies”
Boys need to hold each other accountable for their attitudes. It seems as though many boys don’t really have a problem with women enjoying casual sex and aren’t phased by the number of people a girl has slept with. However, that changes in a group environment. One respondent disclosed how in the past, he and his friends had made jokes such as “stay away from that one”.
Some men do feel very strongly about women enjoying casual sex with numerous partners. They feel as though it’s “unattractive” and also discussed how they’ve lost “respect” for girls if they’ve had sex with too many people. However, some boys talked about how they used to feel this way when they were younger but don’t anymore.
Women should have full autonomy over their bodies, without fear of being judged. Women are entitled to have sex, whether they want to be in a relationship or not. It’s 2021 – the narrative needs to change. Empower the women around you, call people out and own your sexuality and your body.
Maggie John
Featured Image Courtesy of Markus Spikse on Unsplash. Image license found here. No changes were made to this image.